How do you find the one you are going to marry?
In Chassidism, marriage is seen as "The way to move properly from childhood to adulthood." Men should be married by the age of eighteen. According to the Rabbis, if a man is not wed by the age of twenty, he is seen as "spending all days in his sin." Women should get married right as they mature (Heilman 278). Chassids believe that one must marry early to have purer thoughts. The purer one's thoughts are, the closer they can get to G-d. However, the actually act of finding someone to marry is very different than in the secular world. "Finding a mate is far too important to be left to the caprice of love; it is best handled in a reasonable, planned, and logical way so as to minimize the disruptions that passions could cause (Heilman 279)." Finding a spouse is not as easy as one may think. The more scholarly the man is and the more yichus he has, the more desirable of a spouse he is. "Being too different is dangerous in a community that prides itself on uniformity" (Heilman 280). Divorce, or psychological and emotional problems anywhere in the family can reduce a person's 'value on the marriage market.' Some people are not able to find a good shidduch. They are then forced to settle for someone who is not necessarily a good match, or is not seen as a righteous Chassid.
In Chassidism, romance is not the driving force behind a marriage. Instead, there is a shadchan (literally meaning 'the stapler') who creates the match for the bride and the groom. The shadchan puts pragmatism before romance. This person finds a girl or boy who is of age, and matches that person with someone from the opposite sex. Once notified of the arrangement, the parents of the girl look into the boy's family, schooling and personality. If the parents think the match could work, they tell the shadchan who in turn, will tell the boy's family. The parents of the boy then look through who the girl is. If both parents approve of the match, they will all get together in the home of the girl. The Sanzer custom is to not serve any food in the house until there is an engagement (Heilman 282). The boy and girl go into a room with the door slightly opened. They then talk and get to know each other. After a few hours, they make their decision. If both agree to the match, there will be a wedding. If one of them, or neither of them agree to the shidduch (match) then both would inform the shadchan and they would start the process again. Avi Bresler, a Chassidic father of five from Stamford Hill in North London is marrying off his eldest son, Yitzchok Mair. Bresler says: "In my mother and father's generation, they wouldn't even meet for an hour [before agreeing to marriage]," says Bresler. "They met for maybe one or two minutes, say hello to each other and say yes or no. Now some Chassidim are meeting for an hour or maybe two and then getting engaged"1. Some say this change has been a reflection of the modern world seeping into Chassidic customs.
1.http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-13417502